Saturday, March 3, 2018

Lonely

The weekends are kind of hard.  I'm out of my normal routine.  We find plenty of fun things to do but I still feel lonely and miss C2.  I pray for him and his daughter every day.

I'm sure most people have no idea how I am feeling.  I hide it very well.  Here are some pics from the past two weeks.  Can you see how much I'm struggling?  Probably not. 

I guess I just feel pretty pathetic still feeling so sad.  Or like I'm not relying on God.  Or crazy.  Or something.  All things I don't want people to see.  So I try to look strong and happy.  I actually was happy at the time in all three of these pictures.  For the moment, anyway.  And then the sadness washes back over me and I want to just crawl in my bed and be alone.








Thursday, March 1, 2018

Enough

All of You
Is more than enough for
All of me
For every thirst and
Every need
You satisfy me
With Your love
And all I have in You
Is more than enough

Enough

I want this to be the desire of my heart.  I want Jesus to be enough.

Right now, my heart is broken.  I don't mean by a relationship.  While that may have been part of my past circumstances, it was simply the vessel that the Lord used to break me.  In order for God to fill us up, He first has to break us.  We must empty our hearts and minds of anything else we have chosen to fill them with other than Him.

I started a Bible study with some ladies from church tonight by Kelly Minter called No Other Gods.  It couldn't have come at a better time for me.  I am praying that God would expose any idols I've allowed into my life to take His place.  I know I do that with external relationships.  I think I also do it with my work.  And Facebook.  And probably Candy Crush but we won't talk about that.  I have a feeling I'm about to find out even more as I go through this study.

Writing in this blog again is becoming very therapeutic for me.  It helps me organize the thoughts in my crazy head.

Thank you for Your faithfulness, Lord.  Thank you for not leaving me to my own devices but exposing the things in my life that need to be exposed.  You are so good, Lord.

Wednesday, February 28, 2018

God's Infinite Mercies

Alistair Begg is one of my favorite preachers.  His devotional today, titled "God's Infinite Mercies," was so good.  Here is the link to the full post:

God's Infinite Mercies

I love how he says, "Each day, though it bring its trouble, it shall also bring its help."  That is so true.  God is a God of balance.  He is faithful and he is just.  He instructs us to be both wise as a serpent and harmless as a dove.  He is all powerful and he is gentle and compassionate.  What a great reminder.

Fred Rogers once said that his mom always taught him that when he saw scary news stories to always look for the helpers.  It's true and it can be easy to miss when your eyes can only see the pain and hurt.  But it's there if we train our eyes and hearts to recognize it.

God allows us to go through difficult circumstances and then He is there to comfort us.  I stand in awe of His constant faithfulness.


Tuesday, February 20, 2018

Today Was a Good Day

Today was a good day.

I planted a tree.  Just me an my 10 year old.  We dug.  We planted.  We watered.  We mulched.  It felt good.

Last week I hung blinds by myself and fixed my own toilet.  Well, I should say I almost fixed my own toilet.  I did end up needing a little help but I'm still going to claim it... I fixed my own toilet.

I know these are just simple things, but I feel proud of myself to have accomplished them on my own.  It makes me happy.

Today was a good day.

Thank you for good days, Lord.  You are so good to me.

Monday, February 19, 2018

My Mind's Musings


Tonight I went to the beach to watch the sunset.  It was very peaceful.  One thing I've realized is that when it feels difficult to see God, you can always go out into His creation and see His majestic works and realize He is still there.

It's been almost two weeks.  I still think about C2 every day.  I pray for him every day.  I know his schedule pretty well so I usually know what he's doing at any time.  I try to distract my mind from that.  The most difficult is around 7:30pm each night... the time he always called me on his way to work.  I miss his daughter, too.

Even so, I feel like I'm doing better today than I was two weeks ago.  I have poured myself into my relationship with God.  Last night, my kids were gone and that was a little tough being all alone in my house.  My mind could have gone crazy.  I knew that so instead of letting it, I pulled out my Kelly Minter Bible study that I never finished a while back and worked on that.  It wasn't just a good distraction, it was also an opportunity for God to continue to teach me.

I'm so thankful that the Lord always draws me to Himself.  A friend of mine was recently broken up with by his girlfriend, and he has been posting on Facebook things that I frankly feel like he should be embarrassed by... laying it all out there.  Poor guy.  I don't think he's helping the matter at all by doing that.  But I stopped and prayed for him.  He is not a believer and I don't even know how someone goes through difficult struggles without Him.  Seriously.

I do have one fear.  The fear is that once I feel better, that I will begin to loosen my grip on God and go back to the ordinary day to day.  Not that I ever just toss it to the side, but in the midst of heartache my weakness is shouting from the mountaintop and all I can do is hold on to Jesus.  It's easy to become self-sufficient other times.  But I don't want to have to stay sad and heartbroken to keep this type of relationship with the Lord like it is now.  Jesus, help me.  Teach me to keep You first in both good times and bad.

And lastly, a confession.  I don't want to be single forever.  I look at my friends who have been married for many years and have families and wish I had that.  Instead, I'm twice divorced and on my own.  That makes me sad.  I'm not a terrible person... why can't I have that?  I feel like I would make someone a good partner in life.  Why can't I have that?  These are just my mind's musings... I understand that God is sovereign.  Still, I won't deny those feelings.

Friday, February 16, 2018

Peace, Joy and Happiness

So to my surprise, people actually read my blog.  Who knew?!  Several people have reached out to me in the last few days to tell me they are praying for me and I appreciate it so much.

It's still day to day.  The hardest times are in the evenings when I'm at home and responsible for two other young lives.  I don't know why that stresses me out so much but sometimes it does.  I want to be there for them and have the energy to give them the attention they deserve.  I'm trying  It's not easy.  So if you want to pray for me specifically, that is one way.

Yesterday, I had a fantastic day.  The best day I've had in the past week.  I had an interview within my company that went really really well.  I have an inside spy friend who works in this other department who had already put in a good word for me when she saw my resume come through.  I've worked for the company long enough to know what type of questions they ask in these interviews.  "Tell me about a time when you..." So I prepped as much as I could with examples of my work.  I even printed out some documents to take with me to show them to add that extra "wow" factor.  They were impressed.

I felt really comfortable talking to the two interviewers.  We talked for a whole hour.  When I got back to my own department, my friend had already emailed me and told me they loved me and that I had "knocked it out of the park."  She said I also scored really high on the behavioral questions.  That had my spirits really high.  It feels really nice to be valued for who I am and what I have to offer.  I should find out in the next week or two if I got the job.  I really hope so.  It's something that I really want.

While I still feel sad, it's nice to also feel happy.  Any time I have additional moments of peace, joy or happiness where grief, sorrow and sadness used to be, I count as a blessing.  Thank you, Lord

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

How to Get Over Heartbreak

Here's the simple answer:

I have no idea.

As I wrote in my previous post, I started dating again last August when I met C2.  We broke up twice in that time.  The first time was just for a few days.  The second time was for about a month.  It was really hard to stay apart because we got along so well.  He was so easy to talk to and he felt the same with me.  We always had a really good time when we were together.  I never wanted it to end.  After the second break up, I went on dates with two other guys but neither had the same chemistry and ease that I had with C2.  During that same time, C2 started to pursue me again.  He had also gone on other dates in the meantime.  What we both realized was that no other date had the same spark that the two of us had together.  We ended up getting back together.  We broke up again for the third time last week.  What made it even harder was that he has sent me flowers for my birthday earlier in the day and the note said what a great girlfriend I was.  For us to break up just hours later, really hurt.  Each time we broke up, it was for the same reason... some of our values are just... different.  Having common values is important.

I have felt completely and utterly heartbroken.  I already suffer from anxiety and depression so that didn't help things.  I missed work for two days.  I didn't want to see anyone or talk to anyone.  I really just wanted to take my anxiety medicine to make me sleep all day so I wouldn't have to feel.  Feeling was unbearable.  Anytime I was awake, all I did was think about him, wonder what he was doing, wish I could talk to him and check my phone to see if he had texted me.

I cried out to God.  I begged God to take the pain away.  I could not handle the pain.  I haven't talked to anyone about what I'm going through except for one good friend.  I am so thankful for her.  She is always so faithful to pray for me, especially when I cannot even pray for myself.  Thank you, Jesus for Godly friends.

While I continue crawling through these muddy waters of heartbreak, God has been faithful and in between the times of tremendous pain, I have also felt His comfort.  Here are some of things He has been teaching me:


  • When you lose something, it's important to replace the hole that something left.  Last time I tried to replace that hole with finding someone else to date.  This time my desire has been to fill that hole with God.  Not because I felt like that was the good "Sunday School answer" thing to do, but because I actually wanted to.  I am thankful for that desire.  "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." (Psalm 37:4).  I also deleted my dating apps off my phone.  I don't really feel like dating again for a while.  This breaking up part is just way too hard for me and something I don't want to feel again.  I used to be satisfied being single and in a routine.  I want to be there again. 
  • I've found that music really touches my soul.  I like a variety of styles of music, but in this time, nothing satisfies my soul like good Christian praise and worship.  It reminds me of who God is.  I created a playlist with some songs that have really meant a lot to me:
    • Just Be Held by Casting Crowns
    • Tell Your Heart to Beat Again by Danny Gokey
    • Lord, I Need You by Matt Maher
    • Praise You in This Storm by Casting Crowns
    • Beloved by Jordan Feliz
    • Trust in You by Lauren Daigle
    • Even If by Mercy Me
    • Once and For All by Lauren Daigle
    • O Come to the Alter by Elevation Worship
    • Blessings by Laura Story
    • Need You Now by Plumb
    • Oh My Soul by Casting Crowns
  • I've typically done my morning devotionals first thing when I wake up.  My favorite is My Utmost for His Highest.  The ones recently have been just what I needed... the Holy Spirit is pretty good at that. 
    • The one on February 11th was called "Is Your Mind Stayed on God?"  The devotional verse was one that meant a lot to me during another difficult time in my life.  "You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You."  Isaiah 26:3.  My mind has been the worst part of this whole thing.  I have asked God a lot to help me control my mind.  One part of the devotional that spoke to me a lot was:
      • "Your mind is the greatest gift God has given you and it ought to be devoted entirely to Him.  You should seek to be 'bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ...' (2 Cor 10:5)  This will be one of your greatest assets of your faith when a time of trial comes because then your faith and the Spirit of God will work together.  Your mind will no longer be at the mercy of your impulsive thinking, but will always be used in service to God.
  • And again, just like the Holy Spirit does, I was scrolling through Facebook when I came across an article by Relevant Magazine called "What Does Guarding Your Heart Even Mean?"  Most of these articles are written for young adults but I found it very encouraging as well.  One statement that was helpful was, "We often have to go through a process to know what we want and what we don't, to figure out what the other person's true intentions are.  Pain is almost always a part of that process.  As are mistakes.  And angst."  It also continued, "God never gives us commands without being willing to teach us how, so invite Him into the process."
  • And then there was this article:  http://www.boundariesbooks.com/boundaries-in-dating/good-people-pick-bad-relationships/
  • Today I listened to a sermon by Alistair Begg (one of my favorites).  A couple of notes I wrote down were:
    • Joy does not mean we don't experience tears and sadness.  Joy faced in the midst of trials is the joy of the Bible.
    • In the depth of human suffering we learn to experience the presence of God.  Abba Father is the cry when we can cry nothing else. (Based on 2 Cor 11)
    • We don't have to pretend not to be sad.  Grief is grief.  We can show the world how to be sad.
    • If he is worth loving, he is worth grieving over.
    • Pray for a mind-altering encounter with God.
  • I've started journaling again and pouring my heart out to God.  That has been a really big help.
So then yesterday, C2 texted me to say hello.  It made me cry.  I told him how much he hurt me and why and he said he was really sorry.  I asked him not to contact me anymore because my heart is too fragile.  He said okay and goodbye.  I cried for a while.  And then I didn't.  It's really weird but I think I needed that closure.

My mind and my heart still feel like they are on a roller coaster.  Seriously, sometimes I secretly wonder if I must be bi-polar or something.  One minute I'm crying, the next moment I'm feeling good.  I hope that's just normal grief.  I've increased my antidepressant medicine by a little bit and have also been taking my anxiety medicine every night before bed.  I've been sleeping well.  Not being tired all day from the depression has helped as well.  Yesterday I even played basketball with my boys.  That felt good to actually do something.

Right now I'm just trying to keep my head above water.  But today was an okay day.  God has been so faithful.  Sometimes I feel like David when he cried out to God, "How long, O Lord?!"  Although I know in my head it isn't true, at first I felt like God wasn't there.  It was just me.  All alone and in pain.  But over the past couple of days, I have started to experience Him.  No relationship, no new outfit or piece of furniture (I shop when I'm sad), no self help speech, no friendly advice will ever take the place of and give me the genuine relief and joy in the midst of sorrow that my Jesus does.  I'm thankful that He allows me to recognize His hand when it's there.

I wanted to write this post so that I can refer back to it when I'm in the trenches and feel like I can't find my way.  That could be tomorrow.  I never really know.  I don't talk to my family about it because their excitement over the relationship ending in the midst of my suffering is just more than I can bear.  I wish that was different because that also hurts.  My sister is my one constant that always understands, though and another support I am thankful for.

Well, tomorrow is another day.  Lord, I need You.  Thank you for loving me despite all my failures and weaknesses.