"...a threefold chord is not quickly broken." Ecclesiastes 4:12
My mom is leaving tomorrow after being here for two weeks and I'm sad to see her leave. I normally try to be so independent and put on a strong face but I think sometimes a girl just needs her mom. I'm really glad that she came.
Two weeks ago I started waking up out of sleep having panic attacks. I was shaking, my heart was racing, and I was afraid to be alone. I felt for sure I was going to have a heart attack or something and the boys wouldn't know what to do and I would die right there on my bedroom floor.
I didn't know what to do. I have a hard time admitting when I'm struggling sometimes. I didn't want people to think I was crazy. But I was seriously panicking for what seemed like no reason. I tried to calm myself down. I read my Bible. I listened to soft music. I prayed. I tried to just go back to sleep. Nothing helped me to feel better. I wanted to call my mom but at the same time, I didn't because I felt like as soon as I voiced how I was feeling out loud, there was no going back. It was really happening.
I sat in my bed contemplating for a few minutes past 6am. It was too early. I couldn't call my mom that early. But mom does wake up early. Maybe it would be okay. No, I'm just going to sit for a few more minutes and hope to calm down. I can't call her. And not that early. About thirty seconds passed. What if I text her first to see if she's awake? Okay, I texted her... "Are you awake?"
"I am now," she replied. So I was going to do this. Admit out loud I was having a panic attack. I pressed number four on my speed dial and she answered. "I think I'm having a panic attack," I said. I told her how I was feeling and we talked for a little while. I paced the house while we talked. Thankfully the boys were still in bed. I made it back to my bedroom and sat on my bed rocking back and forth. I was starting to calm down as we talked. Since the talking helped me feel better, I hoped that meant I wasn't really having a heart attack. I told her that I was considering calling a lady from church to come stay with me that day so I wouldn't have to be alone. She encouraged that. I was afraid. Now I had to admit to someone else that I was crazy. My mom asked if I wanted her and my dad to come home early from their annual summer months in Michigan. No, I didn't want to be a burden. Plus they had a trip planned on the way home.
We hung up the phone and I called the lady from church and just briefly told her that I had been having some anxiety issues and I would feel better if I wasn't alone. But then I talked myself out of it because I didn't want her to think I was crazy. She told me she would come over and to call her back if I wanted her to. I was okay, I assured her.
The boys woke up. I was still feeling panicked. So I called my lady friend from church back and told her that I'd changed my mind and I'd appreciate if she would go with me to an appointment for my son that day. She did. It was nice to have the company.
I stopped by the health food store on the way home and asked about some natural remedies for anxiety. The lady at the store recommended a natural supplement with something to do with amino acids. Yeah, sure, give me some of that. I also picked up a multivitamin. I started taking those right away. I was very up and down, feeling panicked easier and easier. I was having trouble functioning. My kids were watching way too much television. I stopped back by the health food store and she gave me these stress relief drops that you put under your tongue that are supposed to be like an instant rescue when you start to get bad anxiety. They did help some. The drops had a kick to them. I read the box. 27% alcohol. Okay, now I know why they were helping me mellow out, lol. They really tasted more like 100% alcohol. I called them my whiskey drops. I don't drink and I didn't particularly like the sensation of the drops under my tongue but they got me through the week.
One night I started feeling really bad again. I called my good friend who came over and just hung out with me for the evening. I felt somewhat guilty because she has kids and a family of her own that I was taking her away from to come and babysit me. But it was nice having her here. We just hung out and talked and watched
Big Brother, er perhaps that is too much information since that is not the most wholesome show. But it helped just sitting in silence watching TV with a friend.
The next night I felt bad again. Ugh. I couldn't keep calling her to come over. All of my friends who I would trust to reveal my craziness to have families and I felt like I was being such a burden. I'm a grown woman with two children. I should be able to stay home alone. So I called my mom. Just hearing her voice made me start to cry. I asked if they could come home early. I felt guilty asking because I didn't want to make them miss out on any of their summer or fun plans on the way home. So I said, nevermind, I don't want you to do that. But then I changed my mind... can you come home? I didn't know what I wanted. I wanted my mom but I didn't want to be a burden. She said she would talk to my dad and see what they could do.
She called back the next day and said that my dad would stay but that she would fly home for as long as I needed her. She bought a one way ticket and flew home. The same day she arrived was when I went to see the doctor who put me on some anti-anxiety and anti-depression meds. Those things were a real shock to my system so I was really glad to have my mom there.
Although she stayed at her own house at night, every morning she came over and helped get the kids ready for school. Each evening, she had dinner ready when I got home from work. She helped with appointments. And she just hung out with me and watched TV and normal night time stuff like that. These past two weeks have been priceless. I've always loved my mom but these past two weeks have just been different. I feel like she has an extra special place in my heart now.
I'm doing a lot better after these two weeks. I've felt guilty about needing to take medications but I'm coming to acceptance of it and they have really helped me to be able to function again. I almost feel normal again. I've even gotten some of my creativity back which I've felt like I've lost lately. And I've loved spending this time with my mom.
I've painfully had to let my guard down some and let other people past the strong mask that I wear. I think I do have genuine strength through Christ, but my flesh is still very weak and I have a hard time accepting that sometimes. I'm really thankful to have friends and family who love and care about me and a Savior who never lets me go. A cord of three strands is not easily broken.